Corporate Bullshit

Nothing pisses me off more than Corporate Bullshit. I’m not sure why Corporate Bullshit (CBS from here on in) works me up, but then again, people have the weirdest pet peeves. If you worked for a big company then you know what I’m talking about. It’s those stupid acronyms, play on words, and ‘clever wording’ that makes a bunch of executives feel good about themselves. I can just imagine a bunch of executives sitting around a big board roam table trying to come up with a catch phrase to get employee moral up, or to increase sales of a certain product.

So what is CBS? And what are some examples?

Toyota doesn’t hire employees, they hire, get this, Team Members. You cannot mention to your boss that “somebody on the floor got hurt” you have to say “a team member got hurt.” And that’s an example of CBS.

You know how Cottonelle toilet paper was changed to Cashmere? “Because there’s nothing softer than Cashmere.” How sensitive are people’s asses that such wording would have an impact? I would love to heat the market study they ran before changing the name. “Ok Ma’am, one last question, would you rather wipe your bottom with cotton or cashmere?” The funny thing about this CBS is that product name was only changed in Eastern Canada. Apparently we’re a little pickier than most when it comes to personal hygiene.

How about McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It.” That’s your prime example of CBS. While where on the subject of McD’s, one instance of CBS that I particularly hated was that “Smiles are Free” was on the menu. I’ve heard “Well, I’ll have a Big Mac and a free smile” about a million times, and you know what? The customer did not get their free smile, contrary to McD’s CEO thought. Customers have to earn a smile, especially when you’re dressed in a shirt that was a hand-me-down from a previous employee, you had grease all over your pants and hands, and you practically had to moonwalk your way through the kitchen while holding a bag a bag full of a food, and a bunch of drinks.

While we’re on work experience, I worked at an automotive company two years ago as an intern. As a “continuous improvement exercise” we had to come up with ideas to save ourselves time, like putting a hole punch at every desk. The more ideas you had, the more GEAR points you earned. Yes, GEAR here stands as the example of CBS. GEAR stood for “Great Effort Achieving Results” or something along those lines. Clearly, someone started with the word GEAR, and tried to fit the acronym into it. After all it was an automotive company, and GEARs are extensively used in cars. What I found and funny… and sad, was how worked up some people got over somebody stealing their GEAR suggestions, and how people kept up with who was at the top of the GEAR point list. So what did GEAR points get you? No, it wasn’t a raise but rather, another brilliant example of CBS, company related clothes and the likes.

The other day I was at a Capgemini info session when I heard the best example of Corporate Bullshit in a long time. While talking about the services the company offers, the lady mentioned Offshoring. After mentioning which, she explained to us Capgemini trademarked the term “Rightshoring” “since Capgemini will the find the right shore for you!” Oh the humanity! Can you get any cheesier than this? At that point I wanted to walk out of the session, but then I noticed the food preparations happening outside the meeting room. After going through her spiel, she enthusiastically introduced her co-worker who started there months ago, but who has made great strides since then, Tom. Tom talked about the friendly environment of the office, and flat structure of the corporation, which he had apparently climbed fast. He mentioned some of the programs that bring people together at the company like the PAL program, don’t even ask what cheesy term that stood for, as I was getting really hungry by then. An example of a PAL event the he mentioned was a scavenger hunt through Toronto. The event would have sounded cool if I was lonely, and enjoyed running around a city at night with colleagues from work, trying to find clues, so we could win a BIG PRIZE, instead of partying it up with friends and good looking women. I forgot to mention that the event was to take place on Friday night. I would rather be working on an essay at home rather than solving clues with overworked business men and women.

These were just some of the few examples of CBS that we encounter on a daily basis. If you have some to share, please don’t hesitate, I can never say no Corporate Bullshit.