Your Two-Step Guide to Small Talk

We’re all faced with those awkward moments in social settings where we are forced to make “small talk” with someone. These situations are abundant when one starts a new job, or at a party, or even while waiting in line at the supermarket. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to run into someone talkative and creating small talk is a breeze. At other times creating small talk is like pulling teeth.

Recently, I have had more than my fair share of awkward encounters. In some I was successful in taking the conversation from small talk to big talk, if you will, while in others the conversation just ended with a blank stare. I have always thought that it was much easier to be friendly than not. Some people, I have noticed, go to great lengths to avoid eye contact just to avoid saying hello. I could never wrap my head around that. A smile doesn’t hurt, and is far easier than pretending to be busy texting a friend. This is the same reason that I try to make small talk when I can, it is simply the easy way out.

But to make small talk one has to have a Swiss Army knife equivalent of conversation starters. There are universal things that all people love to talk/complain about. Talking about the weather is the easiest example. The weather impacts all of us, whether in the way it forces us to dress, or in how affects our commute to work. In Canada, the weather is a very passionate subject for many. People get quite animated about it and for good reason of course. Popular events are also a hit, but with this one a person needs to gauge their audience. The 55 year old HR manager might not keep up with the latest news from the R&B music scene, and similarly the lazy couch potato who keeps up with every sitcom on television might not know about the newest changes to auto insurance laws. It certainly helps to be informed in a wide-array of subject, because like a Swiss Army knife, you have to have be versatile and have the right line for the right time. But if you’re the sitcom-watching-couch potato or the 55 year old HR manager and you’re too lazy to read up on things then what do you do?

Well, worry no more, for I hae created a systematic method of creating small talk. Simply follow my two step program and put your hands and feet in cold water (Syrian idiom meaning relax). First, determine the time of the year. Second, use one of the lines provided. Allow me to example...

Christmas Time:

“Have you finished buying gifts yet?”

“Kids toys are so elaborate nowadays?” Could be followed up with “Back in my day...”

“Have you seen this new toy...”

“What do you think would make a good gift for an X year old girl?”

“The mall is crazy nowadays!”

“Why do people leave their shopping till last minute?”

After New Year:

“So what did you end up doing for NYE?”

“This is the only year we’re going to be alive for, where the last two digits are exactly double the first two” This is for the mathematically gifted, and only works in 2010. Next time you can use it, people of the future, is on 2211, 2412, 2613 etc.

“Did you see the fireworks downtown?” if they say “No” reply “Neither did I” at least it’ll get you a laugh.

If you’re comfortable with making dumb remarks, comment on people’s clothes saying “that was so last year” if they have a sense of humour it should lead to a conversation.

Valentine’s:

“You have to wonder how many teddy bears are sold each year on Valentines..”

“You know what I love Valentines? All the chocolate”

“Are you planning anything special?”

“Valentine’s day is such a scam!”

Spring time:

“Ahh, why did they have to change the time on us?!”

“I love seeing the trees come alive again”

“Planning any outdoors projects this spring?”

“Have you started your spring cleaning yet?”

Summer Time:

“Where are you going on vacation?”

“Do you enjoy camping?”

“I went on this really nice bike trail last weekend...”

“Did you end up going to the cottage this weekend?

Halloween:

“What are you dressing up as?”

“I saw this really funny/weird/awesome costume in the store?”

“Going to a Halloween party this year?”

Thanksgiving:

“Are you getting together with the family?”

“Making turkey this year?”

“Have you heard of deep fried turkeys? It’s getting popular in the US”

“So why are they called Turkeys? Did they come from Turkey? It must take them a long time to walk over here” You should get at least a pity laugh for this lame attempt at a Seinfeld joke.

Winter Time:

“How was the drive this morning?”

“Global warming my ass!” Requires a younger audience.

“Do people lose all driving skills during winter?”

“Have you heard of the series of snow storms we’re getting?”

All of the above are Canada biased, in case you couldn’t tell.

As you can see there are plenty of conversation starters at your disposal. You should never run into an awkward situation again. If you find yourself having trouble still, please email me and include the country you live in, major holidays, climate, and popular TV shows and we can go from there.

The Wars of Today

As I listened to the radio this morning to a 90 year old veteran of WWII, I had nothing but respect for the bravery he must have had as a 25 year old fighting on the front lines in Normandy. A thought crossed my mind as he went on describing the gory details he had to witness, are we going to reflect back on the soldiers of today the same way we reflect on the ones who died in the two world wars?

The whole nature of war has changed so dramatically in the past few years, that it is even hard to classify any of the violence across the world as a ‘real’ war. We have seen the rise of a type of war where a professional army faces scattered groups of rebels united by a set of beliefs. We have a seen wars (massacres would perhaps be a better description) where multi-million dollar jets drop multi-million dollar weapons on mud houses, refugee camps, and weddings. These wars are fought

by thousands of troops brainwashed to believe that they’re bringing freedom, and justice. These are the “vets” of today. Troops fighting behind thick armour, equipped with advanced weaponry, and armed with falsified facts and fabricated objectives. Behind them is a media machine pumping Orwellian messages into air waves. We hear war, justice, and freedom in the same sentence, and we see family vans and SUV’s with “Support our Troops” ribbons stuck to the back.

Fifty years from now, I wondered, which wars will we reflect back on? And are we going to be honest with ourselves and remind ourselves of the mistakes we have committed during those wars?

Asking for a Settlement Freeze is Hard in the Midst of Global Warming

If Hillary Clinton’s current visit to the region proved anything, it’s that Obama’s message of change was nothing but a load of crap. “Yes we can” continue our ways of standing on the side of the oppressor against the oppressed is the message I have been hearing lately. In his attempt at justifying his premature Noble Peace prize win, Obama is settling for the easy way out, putting pressure on Palestinians in a time when their international representation is in complete disarray.

It is naive for anyone to think a US president can truly bring about change in Middle East policy. But in a time of unprecedented life loss, oppression, one can only hope and perhaps dream a little. Obama went from asking for “a stop to settlements. Not some

settlements, not outposts, not natural growth exceptions”, to allowing “natural growth”, to asking for an Israeli intention to stop settlements, to asking Palestinians to turn a blind eye to land theft. Natenyahu strengthened by Obama’s demands has asked Palestinians plainly to “get a grip” and drop their ridiculous demands of asking for their land back. In fact, Clinton went as far as saying that settlements are essential for Israel’s security!! On the same token should we start seeing American settlements in Canada to enhance American security?

So what are settlements such a big issue?

International law sees any land gained through war as illegal (see Finklestein below for a more thorough explanation). The West Bank has been occupied by Israel since 1967. Since the occupation started, Israel has systematically confiscated Palestinian land, destroyed homes, and built settlements in way that would introduce a status quo rendering any fair peace deal impossible. The settlements are connected by a vast network of roads for settler use only. Palestinians are denied access to these roads built on their land. At the same time Palestinian roads are littered with checkpoints, operated by soldiers who chose who can pass and who can’t based on their mood. Women have given birth at checkpoints while waiting to go to hospitals. Ambulances are often kept at checkpoints for hours. School children have to wake up at 3 AM to make their morning classes on time. Palestinians are denied a normal life, while illegal settlers enjoy a safe, luxurious lifestyle. Add to that a 9 meter high “separation wall”, or “security fence” as the Israeli’s like to call it, which serpentines through the West Bank confiscating even more Palestinian land, splitting villages in half, and creating yet another barrier for a just peace.

I would like to see Clinton live under the same conditions as Palestinians in the West Bank for a week, and see if she still thinks Palestinians should stop whining about a settlement freeze. But that would assume she was an honest person, not just another politicians seeking re-election.